"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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