Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
