Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
