weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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