one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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