Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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