every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
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I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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