his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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