ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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