i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
