I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
