I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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