We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
