I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
