I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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