Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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