break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
