I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
