like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
