My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
