My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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