I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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