Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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