Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
