one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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