You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
