Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
