Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm passing your future prison.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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