I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
