The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
