does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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