I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
