A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
