Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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