i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize