my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
