So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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