How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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