Whod you bang
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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