woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
