if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
