i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
