Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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