you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
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I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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