omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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