Sponge bath it is.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
