i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I am naked and annoyed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.