Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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