So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
