how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
