His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She needs sedatives and a leash
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
