he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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