So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
