STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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