i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
