just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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