Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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