I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
